Leading with Emotional Intelligence: Why Being Liked by Your Team Is Undermining Your Leadership
- Ashley Boaz
- Aug 21
- 5 min read
Updated: Aug 26
Every leader has felt it—the desire to be liked by their team. It’s human nature to want connection, affirmation, and even friendship from those we lead. After all, we spend most of our waking hours with our colleagues, so why wouldn’t we want to feel liked in that environment?
But here’s the hard truth: if your primary goal is to be liked, you’re undermining your ability to lead. Effective leadership isn’t about popularity; it’s about accountability, direction, and growth—for both the team and the leader.
This doesn’t mean leadership requires being cold, robotic, or disconnected. Quite the opposite. Leadership requires emotional intelligence—the ability to balance empathy with decision-making authority. However, it also demands a willingness to step out of “people pleaser” mode and into the authority your role requires.
In this post, we’ll explore:
Why seeking approval from your team creates hidden leadership traps.
Methods to create space that strengthens your leadership presence.
How to remain emotionally intelligent while holding your team accountable.
Tips for navigating the mental challenge of shifting from people-pleasing into stronger leadership.
Practical strategies for making the shift gradually—without it feeling like you suddenly flipped a switch on your team.
The Trap of Wanting to Be Liked
On the surface, being liked seems like a positive trait for leaders. After all, wouldn’t a team work harder for someone they admire? But here’s where the trap lies: when the desire to be liked overshadows the responsibility to lead, leaders unconsciously sacrifice clarity, accountability, and results.
Common Patterns of People-Pleasing Leaders:
Avoiding tough conversations: Fear of conflict leads to sugar-coating or avoiding feedback altogether.
Over-accommodating requests: Saying “yes” too often, even when it compromises company goals or personal boundaries.
Prioritizing harmony over progress: Choosing short-term peace over long-term growth.
Delegating without accountability: Allowing deadlines to slide or standards to drop because enforcing them feels “too harsh.”
The result? A team that might enjoy their leader personally but lacks direction, consistency, and growth opportunities. And ironically, over time, the team loses respect—because deep down, people crave guidance and strength from their leaders.
Why Leadership Requires More Than Popularity
Strong leadership isn’t about being universally adored; it’s about being respected. Respect comes from consistency, fairness, and the willingness to make tough calls when needed.
Here’s the distinction:
Liked Leaders: Avoid rocking the boat, prioritize comfort, and seek external validation.
Respected Leaders: Balance empathy with accountability, make hard decisions when necessary, and model integrity even when unpopular.
In other words, respect may not always feel warm and fuzzy in the moment, but it lays the foundation for long-term trust and performance.
Creating Space to Lead with Strength
If you’ve been operating in “approval-seeking mode,” creating intentional space for leadership development is critical. That means stepping back from the constant need for affirmation and stepping into a mindset where decisions are guided by vision and responsibility.
Methods for Creating Leadership Space:
Set Clear Boundaries: Leaders who blur the line between “friend” and “boss” struggle to enforce accountability. Boundaries aren’t about creating distance—they’re about creating clarity. Define what you will and won’t accommodate, and communicate it clearly.
Protect Your Decision-Making Time: If you’re constantly in the weeds, reacting to every need, you’ll default to people-pleasing. Block time to think strategically, review data, and evaluate decisions without immediate emotional influence.
Delegate with Accountability: Delegation isn’t just offloading tasks—it’s assigning ownership. Pair delegation with clear expectations, deadlines, and follow-ups. This shifts your role from “doer” to leader.
Adopt “Coach Mode:” Instead of aiming for likeability, shift toward being a coach. Coaches care deeply about their players but don’t hesitate to call out weaknesses or demand improvement. They focus on growth, not comfort.
Emotional Intelligence: The Key to Balanced Leadership
The antidote to robotic or authoritarian leadership is emotional intelligence (EQ). High-EQ leaders know how to recognize emotions—their own and others’—and use that awareness to guide interactions without losing authority.
Four Dimensions of Emotional Intelligence in Leadership:
Self-Awareness: Recognize when your need to be liked is influencing your decisions.
Self-Management: Pause before responding, ensuring your actions align with leadership goals, not emotional impulses.
Social Awareness: Read the room—understand how your team feels without absorbing their emotions as your responsibility.
Relationship Management: Build strong professional relationships rooted in respect, not dependency.
Practicing EQ means you don’t lose your humanity—you simply channel it toward leadership outcomes.
The Mental Challenge: Combating the “People-Pleasing” Mindset
Shifting from people-pleasing to stronger leadership isn’t just a skill change—it’s a mindset transformation. For leaders who’ve built their identity around being “the nice boss,” this transition can feel deeply uncomfortable.
Common Mental Struggles Leaders Face:
Guilt when enforcing rules or saying “no.”
Fear of being seen as cold or uncaring.
Anxiety that stricter boundaries will lead to disengagement or turnover.
Second-guessing decisions because of how they might be perceived.
The key is to reframe these struggles. Instead of seeing accountability as “mean,” reframe it as a gift to your team. Accountability creates clarity, fairness, and growth opportunities.
Practical Tips for Making the Shift (Without Flipping a Switch Overnight)
The biggest fear leaders have when shifting from people-pleasing to strength is that their team will suddenly think: “What happened to them? Did they just turn into a dictator overnight?”
That fear is valid—and it’s why gradual, intentional shifts are critical.
How to Transition Smoothly:
Start with Transparency: Tell your team you’ve realized the need to improve as a leader. Position it as a commitment to their growth and success, not just your own authority.
Example: “I want to make sure I’m holding us accountable to the standards we need to succeed. That means I’ll be clearer on expectations and follow-up. It’s about supporting your growth, not micromanaging.”
Pick One Behavior to Change First: Instead of overhauling everything at once, choose one area—such as enforcing deadlines or giving direct feedback—and practice consistency there before layering on more changes.
Use “We” Language, Not Just “I:” Frame accountability in collective terms: “We are working toward this standard,” rather than “I’m demanding this of you.”
Pair Accountability with Empathy: When giving tough feedback, acknowledge feelings without backing down on expectations. “I know this is frustrating, but I also know you’re capable of meeting this standard.”
Celebrate Wins Publicly, Address Issues Privately: This balances recognition with accountability, signaling fairness and emotional intelligence.
Seek Mentorship or Coaching: Having an external voice helps you stay grounded when the guilt or discomfort creeps in. A business coach can help you process the emotions so you don’t project them onto your team.
The Long-Term Payoff of Shifting from Likeability to Leadership
When leaders make this shift, several transformations happen:
For the Leader: Increased confidence, clarity, and respect. The mental burden of people-pleasing lifts, freeing you to focus on strategy and vision.
For the Team: Greater accountability, clearer direction, and improved performance. Teams may initially resist, but over time, they thrive under consistent, fair leadership.
For the Organization: Stronger results, reduced turnover, and a culture built on growth rather than appeasement.
The shift isn’t about abandoning emotional intelligence—it’s about using it to lead more effectively. When you stop prioritizing popularity and start prioritizing leadership, you unlock the potential for both yourself and your team.
Final Thoughts: Leading with Emotional Intelligence
Leadership isn’t a popularity contest. If your goal is to be liked, you’ll sacrifice the very clarity, accountability, and direction your team desperately needs. But if you embrace the discomfort of shifting from people-pleaser to strong leader, while maintaining emotional intelligence, you’ll create a culture of respect, growth, and long-term success.
The transition doesn’t happen overnight—and it shouldn’t. By making small, intentional changes and communicating openly with your team, you can shift gracefully into the leader your organization truly needs.
Remember: we’re not robots, but we’re not just friends either. We’re leaders—and that means holding ourselves and our teams to a higher level of accountability.
Need help navigating the change? Mint Conceptions business coaches specialize in leadership development to guide you on your leadership journey.