From “One of Us” to “One of Them”: Navigating the Lonely Shift of Internal Promotion
- Ashley Boaz
- Aug 15
- 6 min read
Updated: Aug 26
When you’re promoted from within, it’s often celebrated as the ultimate professional win. You worked hard, built trust, and proved your value enough that leadership saw fit to elevate you. But beneath the excitement lurks a reality most new leaders aren’t prepared for: the quiet loneliness of going from “one of us” to “one of them.”
This shift is both exhilarating and isolating. Suddenly, the people who once shared inside jokes with you fall silent when you walk into the breakroom. Conversations that used to flow freely now stop short. And while you’re climbing the ladder, you may feel as though you’ve stepped off the very team you used to stand beside.
In this post, we’ll unpack why this happens, how to prepare yourself for the change in communication, and strategies for building trust so your leadership doesn’t create barriers—but bridges.
The Reality of Internal Promotion
Being promoted from within carries unique benefits. You already know the systems, the workflow, and the culture. You don’t have to learn from scratch, and your organization saves the time of onboarding an outside hire.
But it also carries unique challenges. Unlike someone brought in fresh from the outside, you aren’t just stepping into a leadership role—you’re stepping out of a peer group. And that exit creates ripples:
You’re no longer just “Susie who worked next to me.” You’re Susan, the boss.
Your words suddenly carry weight. What you once said casually may now be interpreted as direction.
Your decisions impact paychecks, schedules, and career paths. That’s a level of influence that changes how others interact with you.
It’s no wonder that communication shifts. Even the strongest of peer friendships are strained when one person becomes responsible for the other’s performance review.
Why the Loneliness Sets In
Loneliness in leadership isn’t just an emotional response—it’s often the byproduct of the structural change in relationships. Here are the main reasons:
1. The Unspoken Divide
No matter how much you reassure your former peers that “nothing will change,” the truth is everything does. You now represent management. Employees may censor themselves, avoid complaining in front of you, or hold back personal opinions they once freely shared.
2. The Loss of Peer Camaraderie
Shared frustrations—about long days, difficult clients, or policy quirks—are the glue of team bonding. Once you’re promoted, those conversations rarely include you. If they do, you may feel uncomfortable participating because your responsibility is to solve those problems, not simply vent about them.
3. The Burden of Confidentiality
As a leader, you gain access to information you can’t share. From pay discussions to performance issues, your ability to “spill over coffee” disappears. That silence, though necessary, deepens the sense of separation.
4. The Shift in Accountability
You may still see yourself as part of the team—but now you’re accountable for the team. Their mistakes reflect on you, and their wins are your responsibility to highlight. That new layer of pressure puts distance between your role and theirs.
Preparing Yourself for the Communication Shift
Knowing this transition is coming is half the battle. The other half is preparing for how communication will inevitably change.
Accept the Change, Don’t Fight It
The fastest way to frustrate yourself is to cling to “the way things used to be.” Accept that conversations will shift. Jokes might die down. Some friends may even grow distant. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’re moving into a new role with different dynamics.
Reframe Your Identity
Instead of mourning the loss of peer-to-peer relationships, step fully into your leadership identity. You are no longer “one of the team.” You are leading the team. This doesn’t mean you stop caring—it means you now show your care by guiding, protecting, and developing.
Develop Emotional Intelligence
The ability to read the room, recognize unspoken hesitation, and respond with empathy will make or break your success. People may not say as much to you as they once did, so you’ll need to listen between the lines.
Establish Clear Boundaries
Friendships don’t have to end, but boundaries must be redrawn. A coffee chat with a close friend who reports to you may need to shift away from workplace gossip and toward encouragement or professional development.
Building Trust to Keep Dialogue Open
The goal isn’t to restore your old relationships—they won’t ever be the same. The goal is to build new relationships, rooted in trust, transparency, and respect.
1. Communicate Openly and Often
Silence breeds assumptions. Share what you can—vision, goals, expectations, and reasoning behind decisions. People may not always agree, but they’ll respect being included.
2. Invite Feedback
Make it clear that while you may be in leadership, you aren’t above listening. Create formal and informal channels for feedback: one-on-ones, anonymous surveys, or casual check-ins.
3. Show Consistency
Trust isn’t built on charisma—it’s built on consistency. When your team sees you follow through, apply rules fairly, and treat everyone with respect, they’ll feel safe bringing their voices to the table.
4. Protect Confidentiality
Never betray private information to regain peer-level closeness. Instead, protect confidences fiercely. Over time, your team will learn that their words are safe with you, even if they’re filtered.
5. Recognize and Celebrate
Recognition is a powerful communication tool. By celebrating wins, you create opportunities for positive dialogue that goes beyond task management.
Understanding What Won’t Return
It’s important to face the reality: some things will never be the same.
Not everything will be voiced to you. Your team may save complaints for each other. That’s okay.
You won’t be the “safe venting partner” anymore. Your role is to listen for patterns, not participate in gripe sessions.
You may miss out on social circles. Lunch outings or happy hours may feel different with you there, and that’s part of the shift.
Acknowledging this upfront spares you from the sting of false expectations.
Shifting Focus: From “One of the Team” to “Leading the Charge”
When you’re promoted internally, your focus must shift from contribution to direction.
1. You’re No Longer Measured by Your Output Alone
Your performance is now measured by the performance of your team. That requires shifting from “What can I produce?” to “What can I enable others to produce?”
2. Your Energy Goes Toward Vision and Alignment
Instead of diving into tasks, your job is to ensure your team knows where they’re going and why. You become the keeper of the bigger picture.
3. Your Wins Are Collective
It’s no longer about your individual success. The spotlight belongs to your team. Your success is their growth, collaboration, and achievement.
Building a Strong Communicative Team
The loneliness of leadership can be lessened by cultivating a team that values communication, collaboration, and trust.
Encourage Psychological Safety
Make it clear that mistakes are part of learning, not punishable offenses. When people feel safe, they’re more likely to communicate openly.
Create Regular Rhythms of Dialogue
Team meetings, project huddles, and structured one-on-ones provide built-in communication touchpoints that don’t rely on casual peer chatter.
Model the Behavior You Want to See
If you want openness, model openness. If you want accountability, demonstrate accountability. Your behavior sets the tone.
Use Questions, Not Just Directives
Instead of telling your team what to do, ask questions:
“What challenges do you see here?”
“How would you approach this problem?”
“What’s the biggest obstacle in your way right now?” Questions invite conversation instead of shutting it down.
Combating the Mental Shift
Making the leap from peer to leader isn’t just about team communication—it’s also about managing your own mindset.
1. Expect Grief
It’s normal to grieve the loss of “being one of the group.” Give yourself space to acknowledge it, then refocus on what you’re gaining.
2. Find Peer Support in Other Leaders
If you can’t share openly with your old peers, build a new peer group of leaders inside or outside your organization. Their perspectives can provide the camaraderie you miss.
3. Invest in Coaching or Mentorship
A leadership development coach, mentor, or business coach can help you navigate the emotional complexities and equip you with strategies tailored to your situation.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
You won’t get everything right at first. Leadership is a skill built over time. Be patient with yourself.
Practical Tips for a Smooth Transition
Don’t overcompensate by being too lenient. Trying to “prove you’re still the same” undermines your authority.
Don’t swing too hard in the opposite direction. Coming down overly strict can alienate your team. Find balance.
Clarify expectations early. Set the standard for communication, accountability, and performance from the start.
Celebrate progress. Highlight wins that showcase collective growth under your leadership.
The Long-Term Payoff
The shift from “one of us” to “one of them” is uncomfortable, but it’s also an opportunity. Done well, you’ll gain not just authority but influence—the ability to shape culture, empower people, and guide success.
And while the loneliness never disappears entirely, it can be transformed. Instead of seeing it as isolation, see it as perspective. You now stand where you can see both the big picture and the individuals who bring it to life. That view is a privilege—and a responsibility.
Final Thoughts
Being promoted internally changes everything: communication, friendships, and even how you see yourself. The loneliness is real, but so is the opportunity. By preparing for the shift, building trust, and refocusing on leadership, you can navigate the transition with strength and grace.
You may no longer be “just one of the team,” but you have the chance to become something even more valuable: the leader who empowers the team to thrive.
Need help navigating the change? Mint Conceptions business coaches specialize in leadership development to guide you on your leadership journey.
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